PS

R,

I know that I hurt you, too, but I never told you that I never loved you. In fact, there was no point in time when I told you I didn't love you. I am sincerely sorry for the times I hurt you. I never intended to do that, I just didn't know how to express the things I was feeling. So, I ended up cutting you out. I have learned my lesson. I think I proved to you the lengths I would go to to save our marriage, but once you spent three days with her you wouldn't give me another chance. But that doesn't erase the vows we took or the years of happiness we had together.

To make myself perfectly clear, I loved you on August 14, 1971 and meant every vow I took. I loved you more on November 19, 1972 and believed (and still believe) with all my heart that our marriage was sacramental and blessed and sacred in the Catholic Church. I don't understand how you can deny that.

I'm lost without you.

Open Letter

I wish I could write like other people in my family. I don't seem to have the same knack for expressing myself as they do. But here goes:

Dear R,

First, I want you to know that I am not angry--I am hurt. I can't believe that you could treat me the way you have over the past year and a half. Your version of revisionist history is nothing but pure fiction. It is one thing for you to say you weren't happy for the past several years, but for you to try to deny that you were ever happy, that we had nothing from the beginning, destroys me.

The past six months watching my father literally fade away before my eyes has been unbearable. (At the end he looked like a concentration camp survivor, he was so emaciated.) It was made worse by the fact that the person who had promised to be there for me no matter what had deserted me. The day to day pressure of taking care of him and N and being the one everyone looked to for strength was more than I could bear. C and L both looked to me to let them know when it was time to come to be sure they could get there before he died. Thankfully, I was able to make the call and they were both able to get here in time. When I went home at night (on the nights I did go home), it was to an empty house. There was no one there for ME to lean on. Don't get me wrong--our family was wonderful and did everything they could for me--but it isn't the same as having that one person whose main concern would be me. It was the most physically, emotionally and mentally draining and stressful experience I have ever had and I pretty much went through it alone.

And, in the times we were alone, I would watch him sleep and think about how if the time ever comes when you are in that situation (God forbid) that I am supposed to be the one there taking care of you and vice versa. As difficult as it was, I am grateful to have had that time with him. I wish I could have it with you, if needed. And at the funeral I had the thought that if you die before I do, I won't be welcome at your funeral and if I die before you do, you won't even come. All of that breaks my heart.

The bottom line, R, is I love you and I need you still. I don't need you for the money as I am learning to live on the reduced income. I don't need you for the yardwork, home repairs, etc. as I am learning to handle all of that. I don't need you to handle the taxes and pay the bills as I have got that under control. I just need you--your presence--you! I hate to admit it because I know you are done with me. I don't remember if I read this or saw it in a movie, but a divorcee was talking about "phantom pain". That's the pain amputees feel when they still feel pain in the amputated limb as if it were still there. She said she felt it, too. She still felt her husband beside her. I feel that, too, especially in church and most especially when we say the Our Father when we would always hold hands. I need you there. I need you here. I pray everyday for God to bring you back to me.

I want you to know that even though I am not angry, I hope I never see you again. I can't imagine the pain I would feel if I had to see you with her. If we ever are in the same room and I seem cold and distant to you, know that it is not anger. It will be because I am trying my best to hold myself together and protect my heart. The only event I can foresee right now that would bring us together would be N and S's wedding. I have tried to picture being at the reception in the same room with you two and the pain I feel just from the imagining is immense.

I will never recover from what you have done to me. Sure, I will have moments of happiness (especially time spent with Juliet), but I will never again BE happy. I can't be happy without my husband beside me. And you will always be my husband no matter what the courts or the tribunal says. After all, the tribunal is just men and men make mistakes. God joined us together and nothing can change that. And I will always believe that. We will all have to answer to God for the things we have done here on earth. You will have to explain to Him how you could walk out on a marriage that He blessed.

Back to the Real World

I got home from San Antonio to the questionnaire for the annulment. I knew it was coming, but it was a slap in the face to get it then. I've just glanced at the questions, but I have to deal with it soon. I just can't focus.

On top of that there is a rift between my brother and my stepmother. My brother is the executor of the estate and has been working very hard to get everything settled. Apparently, my father didn't leave everything in as good a order as he thought he did. But we have all known since they bought it, that the house would be my stepmother's until she died or decided to sell it. Only then would my sister, brother and I received half of it. Apparently, my brother said something that indicated to her that he was anxious to sell the house and get his money. I don't believe that, but there's no convincing her. I'm stuck in the middle because he lives in another state and I live in the same city as her.

I never told my father about the annulment and so my stepmother doesn't know yet either. I need to tell her so she will understand that I have something very stressful going on in my life right now. I just haven't found the right time.

Also in the mail when I returned was what has to be a sympathy card from R. I say what has to be because I haven't been able to open it yet. I want to just send it back to him. But if I just send it back, he will think I did that because I am angry. It's not that. I just can't face what is in there.

A Hero Is Gone

Three days after my last post, my father died. He died in his sleep with my stepmother holding his hand. That is the way he wanted it. The week before I called my brother and sister and told them they needed to come. My brother came on Tuesday, but my sister lives out of the country and she had trouble getting a flight out. Then she had trouble with her flight and didn't get here until Saturday. When my father saw her, he said "I've been waiting for you." He was so frail and weak. He wanted to sit on the side of the bed so we helped him sit up and my brother and sister sat on either side of him. He looked around and said "I love everyone one of you." He said that twice and then he said "Amen" very emphatically. Those were the last words I heard my father speak. Can't think of better ones. He died the next morning.

We travelled to San Antonio to bury him with full military honors at Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery. He is with my mother now. It was a beautiful ceremony and he received all the honor he deserved. Then he wanted us to all have a dinner and celebrate his life. And we did that. We shared stories and laughed and cried. Later that evening, some of us walked the Riverwalk and then ended up in the bar of the hotel. Then we really told stories and laughed. We told the stories like how my father borrowed a brand new ski boat from a total stranger. He was an amazing man.

Watchng My Father Die

It's not easy watching Superman die. This is the man who fought in three wars and survived. This is the man who lost a son to cancer at an early age and survived. This is the man who went to Korea when I was one and came back when I was three and never missed a beat as my father. This is the man who spent so much time taking care of his family. He and my mother would spend weeks every summer hosting camp at a lake in OK and invite one and all. He would teach anyone who showed up how to water ski. He would spend as much time as needed to teach whatever you wanted to learn. And now he's literally fading away before our eyes. He's left a wonderful legacy. Thank you, Daddy.

And Dying

All of this stuff has taken a back burner since just before Easter when we found out my father has stage 4 lung cancer. That was about 4 months ago and he's quickly deteriorated. He has gotten so weak. It breaks my heart to see him like this. He is living in an assisted-living facility here in the town where I live and I go see him every day. I sit with him while my step-mother goes to down to lunch. Today he told me that he is not eating because he is trying to starve himself to death. We all thought he just had no appetite because of the medication. He is so depressed. This is so hard. I'm trying to do everything I can, but there is really nothing I can do.
I miss R so much with all this going on. For all his faults he was always very supportive in a crisis. It's so important to have that one person who is there just for you at all times. I miss him so much.

Confusion

I've never been one to say "Why me?", but sometimes I just don't understand. A long, long time ago I read a book that was popular at the time--"Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" or something like that. What I really wonder is why do good things happen to bad people? I mean, if they get this annulment, they'll be able to go to confession, say "I'm so sorry", do their penance and then they'll be welcomed back into the Catholic church and be able to get married with the church's blessing. I don't understand that and I don't know if I can stay in a church that cares so little for me. How can it accept what they have done. I know that church is all about forgiveness, but they are not sorry for the way they have treated me. They are just off living in their own little paradise not thinking about anyone else. I mean, he doesn't even care about his own kids. Our son is schizophrenic. When R first moved out, he said the M was very concerned about our son and wanted to make sure that he was taken care of. R moved to Georgia in August. He's been back to Arkansas two or three times that I know of without ever trying to see his son. What kind of concern is that? And he doesn't care that the annulment has upset N and Re, two of our daughters. All he sees is what he wants.

Back to the Background

When R went away to college, he started looking for a church to belong to. He was raised going to church with his grandparents. I believe they were Methodist. In college he attended several churches, including the Mormon church. When he met M, she was Catholic. He started attending church with her and eventually became a Catholic.

I was raised Baptist. When I met R, we didn't go to church together much. In fact, in college I didn't go to church much. But I knew being a Catholic was very important to him. When we decided to get married, we talked about my becoming Catholic. I didn't promise to become Catholic, but I promised to study it. We were married in August 1971 in a Protestant chapel by a Protestant minister. He didn't push for a Catholic marriage then, but he did later. But after we were married, I started going to mass with him and starting taking instruction from our local priest. In October 1972 our first daughter was born. On November 19, 1972 I joined the Catholic church, then we were married in a Catholic ceremony and then our daughter was baptized. One right after the other. And, remember this, my sponsor, our marriage witness and our daughter's godmother were all the same person--M's best friend and former roommate.

We were in mediation for the divorce and R hit me with a bombshell. He said that he was in a car accident when he was in college ( that is true). But then he said he had a head injury and he got amnesia and he "forgot where she was". The implication is that if he remembered where she was, he would never have married me. This is preposterous. As I said before, I lived right down the hall from several of her best friends. He could have asked them anytime he came to see me. As I also said in the previous paragraph, her best friend was at our Catholic ceremony. Why would he have married me with her best friend present if he really wanted to marry her? Now, this is a man who rewrites history when it serves his purpose, but this is taking it to the extreme! I was speechless when he brought that out at mediation. It didn't make any difference there. Unfortunately, I received word this week that he has petitioned the Catholic church for an annulment. I'm afraid if he can sell his amnesia baloney, he just might win. This petition has devastated some of our kids. I've worked very hard to keep the kids (even though they are all adults) out of this and to not say bad things about their father. Sometimes it is really, really hard! But, two of the girls in particular, are taking this very personally.

More Background

At first, when they were emailing back and forth R gave me his password so I could read their emails. That lasted about two weeks (several emails a day). Then they started calling each other--one to two hours a day. This man who needed help dialing his cell phone was all of the sudden very proficient on one--even sending several text messages a day. We would get home from dinner with relatives and he would leave the house to call her.

Anyway, in reading their emails I learned some very interesting things that I didn't know before. One was that he used to leave from visiting me and stop and see her on his way back to school. Another was that she harbored resentments toward me (for almost four decades) about the way I supposedly treated her.

Now, let me explain. As I said she was no longer living in the same dorm with me, but several of her friends were. Her friends treated me like dirt. Never once in that whole time did I think M put them up to it. (Now I'm not sure) In fact, I always thought, and I remember telling my mother this, that she was happy that R had found someone who could make him happy.

Another thing I found out was that one of the main reasons they broke up was that she wanted a career and he wanted a family. The first thing his roommate said to me when I met him was "You know he wants twelve kids." So, he met me and I wanted a home and family. We were very compatible. We both wanted the same kinds of things out of life. No matter what he says now, we were very much in love when we got married.

Fast forward again to April 2008 and he went to Houston to visit her. When he came back, he was so impressed with her great career. She was so wonderful because of all she had accomplished. Not only that, she is an occupational therapist. He has had a problem for years with his feet and ankles. His ankle was hurting when he went down there. She took him in and did some kind of electric treatment and the pain disappeared. How could I compete with that? You would have to know him and his feet problems, but he would have fallen in love with Hitler if Hitler had made his feet feel better. Totally reminded me of the story of the lion and the mouse. She had never married, although she had been living with a man for 15 years. So, he got to have his cake and eat it, too. He got to have the family and then leave the family to have the career woman.

As I said, I was a full-time stay-at-home wife and mom. There were a few occasions during our 36+ years of marriage when I took part-time jobs. I believe if you added it all together it would total no more than two years. I never wanted a career and he never told me I needed to get out and get a job. I have no doubt that if I had wanted to go back to school or whatever, he would have supported me, but I didn't and he didn't push it. We were both very happy with me staying home. He made a good living, but with five kids money could get tight. We did fight about money sometimes. But we were never broke and we never went without. But, from time to time, he would accuse me of only caring about money. I am a bit of a gadget junkie, but I am far from high maintenance. I don't wear designer labels or splurge regularly. In fact, one time while we were living in Chicago, we went to Nordstrom's for him to buy some shoes. He needed some ties so he picked out two ties. He didn't flinch when he found out they were $200 each. I have never spent $200 on any one item of clothing for myself. In fact, the only thing I ever bought that cost more than $200 was our daughter's wedding dress, and it was on sale for $350.

Anyway, I have a feeling that now he is pretty much a kept man. I was pretty sure that he was going to get a job when they moved to Georgia and I think he tried. One of his former students runs a lab there, but for some reason R is not working there, yet. But M did get licensed in Georgia and she wouldn't do that unless she was going to work there. R's only income is his half of the retirement from his 25 years of teaching. I am receiving half of that as well. When he retired, we moved to Arkansas and bought our "dream house". The only thing that would have made it better would have been if it was on the lake. Anyway, it was brand-new, 2400 square feet, a beautiful open kitchen, hardwood floors, jacuzzi tub in the large master bathroom, two walk in closets in the master bedroom. I loved that house. We had to sell it in the divorce.

When we went to mediation, R said that he pays $650 a month in rent. The way he said it it was unclear whether he was paying half of $650 or if $650 was his half. So, I looked at real estate ads for the town where they live and you could get a 3400 square foot house for $1200 a month. So, I figured he must be paying half of $650 because why would they need a 3400 square foot house? Then I looked at the place where they are living on Google Earth and, believe me, it is at least 3400. It is huge on a huge lot. It makes our "dream home" look like a shack. Well, maybe not that bad, but it is much more house. I would assume that M is receiving retirement also and is probably working and making a very good living as an occupational therapist with a specialty in hand therapy with 30+ years of experience.

In the meantime, I am living in about 1500 square feet in a rent house that is in pretty bad shape. I am also supporting our 23-year-old son who is on disability for schizophrenia. E is working very hard to get on his feet. He is in school and I am paying for that, too. I am dedicated to getting him through school and on his own. He asked his father to help him pay for school and the response was "Money's tight". That may well be the funniest thing he ever said. Let me add that as part of the divorce settlement, money from the sale of the house and some stocks was used to pay off all our debts, so both of us are starting out debt free except he is still making car payments. I lost the health insurance that we were receiving through his retirement plan so I've had to get that on my own. (I just turned 60 last week and one of the first "greetings" I received was from Blue Cross informing me that my premiums would be going up $63 a month). E and I have been talking about getting him a car. I told him I could probably kick in $5000. He said his dad told him he might be able to come up with $500.

In The Beginning

I've always said that I am a dinosaur. I came of age in the 60's, graduated high school in 1967. It was the Age of Aquarius. It was the age of feminism, burning bras, choosing career first. But all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother--to have a home and a family.

In January of 1970 I transferred to a college in Texas. I made friends with the other girls on the floor of my dorm. One girl , I'll call her M, had a picture of a nice looking young man in her room. I asked if that was her boyfriend. She was very quick to tell me that they used to date, but now they were just friends. After a while, I was walking back to the dorm from class and she was outside talking to this young man. She introduced me to R. I would see him several times during the course of the spring semester. You see, while he went to school in another town, his family lived in the town where our school was. So, when he was home visiting family, he would visit M, too.

In the fall of 1970 R and I started dating. I honestly don't remember our first date or any of that romantic stuff, but we became an "item". By this time M had moved to another town to do the clinical work for her degree. I always thought that she was happy that R had found someone to make him happy. By Christmas he had been home with me a couple of times and spent time with my family. After he had gone back to school after Christmas, he was in a pretty bad traffic accident. He had a head injury and to this day loves to show you where they sewed his ear back on.

By the end of the semester we were engaged and we were married in August 1971. Our first child was born in October 1972, to be followed by more children in June 1974, December 1976, April 1980 and August 1985. Five wonderful children. We now have two wonderful granddaughters.

Fast forward to February 2008. We had had a good life--not a perfect marriage, far from it, but I believed in our marriage and I thought he did, too. R walked into the bedroom and said "You'll never guess who I got an email from!" Turns out M had "googled" him and found his email address and wrote to him. Ostensibly, she wanted closure. I've never understood why anyone would need closure from a relationship when she hadn't seen the guy in almost 40 years. Anyway, to make a very long story short--six weeks later he had moved out and asked for a divorce. They are now living together in Georgia. In fact, he moved to Georgia on our 37th wedding anniversary.