PS

R,

I know that I hurt you, too, but I never told you that I never loved you. In fact, there was no point in time when I told you I didn't love you. I am sincerely sorry for the times I hurt you. I never intended to do that, I just didn't know how to express the things I was feeling. So, I ended up cutting you out. I have learned my lesson. I think I proved to you the lengths I would go to to save our marriage, but once you spent three days with her you wouldn't give me another chance. But that doesn't erase the vows we took or the years of happiness we had together.

To make myself perfectly clear, I loved you on August 14, 1971 and meant every vow I took. I loved you more on November 19, 1972 and believed (and still believe) with all my heart that our marriage was sacramental and blessed and sacred in the Catholic Church. I don't understand how you can deny that.

I'm lost without you.

Open Letter

I wish I could write like other people in my family. I don't seem to have the same knack for expressing myself as they do. But here goes:

Dear R,

First, I want you to know that I am not angry--I am hurt. I can't believe that you could treat me the way you have over the past year and a half. Your version of revisionist history is nothing but pure fiction. It is one thing for you to say you weren't happy for the past several years, but for you to try to deny that you were ever happy, that we had nothing from the beginning, destroys me.

The past six months watching my father literally fade away before my eyes has been unbearable. (At the end he looked like a concentration camp survivor, he was so emaciated.) It was made worse by the fact that the person who had promised to be there for me no matter what had deserted me. The day to day pressure of taking care of him and N and being the one everyone looked to for strength was more than I could bear. C and L both looked to me to let them know when it was time to come to be sure they could get there before he died. Thankfully, I was able to make the call and they were both able to get here in time. When I went home at night (on the nights I did go home), it was to an empty house. There was no one there for ME to lean on. Don't get me wrong--our family was wonderful and did everything they could for me--but it isn't the same as having that one person whose main concern would be me. It was the most physically, emotionally and mentally draining and stressful experience I have ever had and I pretty much went through it alone.

And, in the times we were alone, I would watch him sleep and think about how if the time ever comes when you are in that situation (God forbid) that I am supposed to be the one there taking care of you and vice versa. As difficult as it was, I am grateful to have had that time with him. I wish I could have it with you, if needed. And at the funeral I had the thought that if you die before I do, I won't be welcome at your funeral and if I die before you do, you won't even come. All of that breaks my heart.

The bottom line, R, is I love you and I need you still. I don't need you for the money as I am learning to live on the reduced income. I don't need you for the yardwork, home repairs, etc. as I am learning to handle all of that. I don't need you to handle the taxes and pay the bills as I have got that under control. I just need you--your presence--you! I hate to admit it because I know you are done with me. I don't remember if I read this or saw it in a movie, but a divorcee was talking about "phantom pain". That's the pain amputees feel when they still feel pain in the amputated limb as if it were still there. She said she felt it, too. She still felt her husband beside her. I feel that, too, especially in church and most especially when we say the Our Father when we would always hold hands. I need you there. I need you here. I pray everyday for God to bring you back to me.

I want you to know that even though I am not angry, I hope I never see you again. I can't imagine the pain I would feel if I had to see you with her. If we ever are in the same room and I seem cold and distant to you, know that it is not anger. It will be because I am trying my best to hold myself together and protect my heart. The only event I can foresee right now that would bring us together would be N and S's wedding. I have tried to picture being at the reception in the same room with you two and the pain I feel just from the imagining is immense.

I will never recover from what you have done to me. Sure, I will have moments of happiness (especially time spent with Juliet), but I will never again BE happy. I can't be happy without my husband beside me. And you will always be my husband no matter what the courts or the tribunal says. After all, the tribunal is just men and men make mistakes. God joined us together and nothing can change that. And I will always believe that. We will all have to answer to God for the things we have done here on earth. You will have to explain to Him how you could walk out on a marriage that He blessed.

Back to the Real World

I got home from San Antonio to the questionnaire for the annulment. I knew it was coming, but it was a slap in the face to get it then. I've just glanced at the questions, but I have to deal with it soon. I just can't focus.

On top of that there is a rift between my brother and my stepmother. My brother is the executor of the estate and has been working very hard to get everything settled. Apparently, my father didn't leave everything in as good a order as he thought he did. But we have all known since they bought it, that the house would be my stepmother's until she died or decided to sell it. Only then would my sister, brother and I received half of it. Apparently, my brother said something that indicated to her that he was anxious to sell the house and get his money. I don't believe that, but there's no convincing her. I'm stuck in the middle because he lives in another state and I live in the same city as her.

I never told my father about the annulment and so my stepmother doesn't know yet either. I need to tell her so she will understand that I have something very stressful going on in my life right now. I just haven't found the right time.

Also in the mail when I returned was what has to be a sympathy card from R. I say what has to be because I haven't been able to open it yet. I want to just send it back to him. But if I just send it back, he will think I did that because I am angry. It's not that. I just can't face what is in there.

A Hero Is Gone

Three days after my last post, my father died. He died in his sleep with my stepmother holding his hand. That is the way he wanted it. The week before I called my brother and sister and told them they needed to come. My brother came on Tuesday, but my sister lives out of the country and she had trouble getting a flight out. Then she had trouble with her flight and didn't get here until Saturday. When my father saw her, he said "I've been waiting for you." He was so frail and weak. He wanted to sit on the side of the bed so we helped him sit up and my brother and sister sat on either side of him. He looked around and said "I love everyone one of you." He said that twice and then he said "Amen" very emphatically. Those were the last words I heard my father speak. Can't think of better ones. He died the next morning.

We travelled to San Antonio to bury him with full military honors at Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery. He is with my mother now. It was a beautiful ceremony and he received all the honor he deserved. Then he wanted us to all have a dinner and celebrate his life. And we did that. We shared stories and laughed and cried. Later that evening, some of us walked the Riverwalk and then ended up in the bar of the hotel. Then we really told stories and laughed. We told the stories like how my father borrowed a brand new ski boat from a total stranger. He was an amazing man.

Watchng My Father Die

It's not easy watching Superman die. This is the man who fought in three wars and survived. This is the man who lost a son to cancer at an early age and survived. This is the man who went to Korea when I was one and came back when I was three and never missed a beat as my father. This is the man who spent so much time taking care of his family. He and my mother would spend weeks every summer hosting camp at a lake in OK and invite one and all. He would teach anyone who showed up how to water ski. He would spend as much time as needed to teach whatever you wanted to learn. And now he's literally fading away before our eyes. He's left a wonderful legacy. Thank you, Daddy.

And Dying

All of this stuff has taken a back burner since just before Easter when we found out my father has stage 4 lung cancer. That was about 4 months ago and he's quickly deteriorated. He has gotten so weak. It breaks my heart to see him like this. He is living in an assisted-living facility here in the town where I live and I go see him every day. I sit with him while my step-mother goes to down to lunch. Today he told me that he is not eating because he is trying to starve himself to death. We all thought he just had no appetite because of the medication. He is so depressed. This is so hard. I'm trying to do everything I can, but there is really nothing I can do.
I miss R so much with all this going on. For all his faults he was always very supportive in a crisis. It's so important to have that one person who is there just for you at all times. I miss him so much.

Confusion

I've never been one to say "Why me?", but sometimes I just don't understand. A long, long time ago I read a book that was popular at the time--"Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" or something like that. What I really wonder is why do good things happen to bad people? I mean, if they get this annulment, they'll be able to go to confession, say "I'm so sorry", do their penance and then they'll be welcomed back into the Catholic church and be able to get married with the church's blessing. I don't understand that and I don't know if I can stay in a church that cares so little for me. How can it accept what they have done. I know that church is all about forgiveness, but they are not sorry for the way they have treated me. They are just off living in their own little paradise not thinking about anyone else. I mean, he doesn't even care about his own kids. Our son is schizophrenic. When R first moved out, he said the M was very concerned about our son and wanted to make sure that he was taken care of. R moved to Georgia in August. He's been back to Arkansas two or three times that I know of without ever trying to see his son. What kind of concern is that? And he doesn't care that the annulment has upset N and Re, two of our daughters. All he sees is what he wants.