Thursday, July 23, 2009
Watchng My Father Die
It's not easy watching Superman die. This is the man who fought in three wars and survived. This is the man who lost a son to cancer at an early age and survived. This is the man who went to Korea when I was one and came back when I was three and never missed a beat as my father. This is the man who spent so much time taking care of his family. He and my mother would spend weeks every summer hosting camp at a lake in OK and invite one and all. He would teach anyone who showed up how to water ski. He would spend as much time as needed to teach whatever you wanted to learn. And now he's literally fading away before our eyes. He's left a wonderful legacy. Thank you, Daddy.
Friday, July 17, 2009
And Dying
All of this stuff has taken a back burner since just before Easter when we found out my father has stage 4 lung cancer. That was about 4 months ago and he's quickly deteriorated. He has gotten so weak. It breaks my heart to see him like this. He is living in an assisted-living facility here in the town where I live and I go see him every day. I sit with him while my step-mother goes to down to lunch. Today he told me that he is not eating because he is trying to starve himself to death. We all thought he just had no appetite because of the medication. He is so depressed. This is so hard. I'm trying to do everything I can, but there is really nothing I can do.
I miss R so much with all this going on. For all his faults he was always very supportive in a crisis. It's so important to have that one person who is there just for you at all times. I miss him so much.
I miss R so much with all this going on. For all his faults he was always very supportive in a crisis. It's so important to have that one person who is there just for you at all times. I miss him so much.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Confusion
I've never been one to say "Why me?", but sometimes I just don't understand. A long, long time ago I read a book that was popular at the time--"Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" or something like that. What I really wonder is why do good things happen to bad people? I mean, if they get this annulment, they'll be able to go to confession, say "I'm so sorry", do their penance and then they'll be welcomed back into the Catholic church and be able to get married with the church's blessing. I don't understand that and I don't know if I can stay in a church that cares so little for me. How can it accept what they have done. I know that church is all about forgiveness, but they are not sorry for the way they have treated me. They are just off living in their own little paradise not thinking about anyone else. I mean, he doesn't even care about his own kids. Our son is schizophrenic. When R first moved out, he said the M was very concerned about our son and wanted to make sure that he was taken care of. R moved to Georgia in August. He's been back to Arkansas two or three times that I know of without ever trying to see his son. What kind of concern is that? And he doesn't care that the annulment has upset N and Re, two of our daughters. All he sees is what he wants.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Back to the Background
When R went away to college, he started looking for a church to belong to. He was raised going to church with his grandparents. I believe they were Methodist. In college he attended several churches, including the Mormon church. When he met M, she was Catholic. He started attending church with her and eventually became a Catholic.
I was raised Baptist. When I met R, we didn't go to church together much. In fact, in college I didn't go to church much. But I knew being a Catholic was very important to him. When we decided to get married, we talked about my becoming Catholic. I didn't promise to become Catholic, but I promised to study it. We were married in August 1971 in a Protestant chapel by a Protestant minister. He didn't push for a Catholic marriage then, but he did later. But after we were married, I started going to mass with him and starting taking instruction from our local priest. In October 1972 our first daughter was born. On November 19, 1972 I joined the Catholic church, then we were married in a Catholic ceremony and then our daughter was baptized. One right after the other. And, remember this, my sponsor, our marriage witness and our daughter's godmother were all the same person--M's best friend and former roommate.
We were in mediation for the divorce and R hit me with a bombshell. He said that he was in a car accident when he was in college ( that is true). But then he said he had a head injury and he got amnesia and he "forgot where she was". The implication is that if he remembered where she was, he would never have married me. This is preposterous. As I said before, I lived right down the hall from several of her best friends. He could have asked them anytime he came to see me. As I also said in the previous paragraph, her best friend was at our Catholic ceremony. Why would he have married me with her best friend present if he really wanted to marry her? Now, this is a man who rewrites history when it serves his purpose, but this is taking it to the extreme! I was speechless when he brought that out at mediation. It didn't make any difference there. Unfortunately, I received word this week that he has petitioned the Catholic church for an annulment. I'm afraid if he can sell his amnesia baloney, he just might win. This petition has devastated some of our kids. I've worked very hard to keep the kids (even though they are all adults) out of this and to not say bad things about their father. Sometimes it is really, really hard! But, two of the girls in particular, are taking this very personally.
I was raised Baptist. When I met R, we didn't go to church together much. In fact, in college I didn't go to church much. But I knew being a Catholic was very important to him. When we decided to get married, we talked about my becoming Catholic. I didn't promise to become Catholic, but I promised to study it. We were married in August 1971 in a Protestant chapel by a Protestant minister. He didn't push for a Catholic marriage then, but he did later. But after we were married, I started going to mass with him and starting taking instruction from our local priest. In October 1972 our first daughter was born. On November 19, 1972 I joined the Catholic church, then we were married in a Catholic ceremony and then our daughter was baptized. One right after the other. And, remember this, my sponsor, our marriage witness and our daughter's godmother were all the same person--M's best friend and former roommate.
We were in mediation for the divorce and R hit me with a bombshell. He said that he was in a car accident when he was in college ( that is true). But then he said he had a head injury and he got amnesia and he "forgot where she was". The implication is that if he remembered where she was, he would never have married me. This is preposterous. As I said before, I lived right down the hall from several of her best friends. He could have asked them anytime he came to see me. As I also said in the previous paragraph, her best friend was at our Catholic ceremony. Why would he have married me with her best friend present if he really wanted to marry her? Now, this is a man who rewrites history when it serves his purpose, but this is taking it to the extreme! I was speechless when he brought that out at mediation. It didn't make any difference there. Unfortunately, I received word this week that he has petitioned the Catholic church for an annulment. I'm afraid if he can sell his amnesia baloney, he just might win. This petition has devastated some of our kids. I've worked very hard to keep the kids (even though they are all adults) out of this and to not say bad things about their father. Sometimes it is really, really hard! But, two of the girls in particular, are taking this very personally.
More Background
At first, when they were emailing back and forth R gave me his password so I could read their emails. That lasted about two weeks (several emails a day). Then they started calling each other--one to two hours a day. This man who needed help dialing his cell phone was all of the sudden very proficient on one--even sending several text messages a day. We would get home from dinner with relatives and he would leave the house to call her.
Anyway, in reading their emails I learned some very interesting things that I didn't know before. One was that he used to leave from visiting me and stop and see her on his way back to school. Another was that she harbored resentments toward me (for almost four decades) about the way I supposedly treated her.
Now, let me explain. As I said she was no longer living in the same dorm with me, but several of her friends were. Her friends treated me like dirt. Never once in that whole time did I think M put them up to it. (Now I'm not sure) In fact, I always thought, and I remember telling my mother this, that she was happy that R had found someone who could make him happy.
Another thing I found out was that one of the main reasons they broke up was that she wanted a career and he wanted a family. The first thing his roommate said to me when I met him was "You know he wants twelve kids." So, he met me and I wanted a home and family. We were very compatible. We both wanted the same kinds of things out of life. No matter what he says now, we were very much in love when we got married.
Fast forward again to April 2008 and he went to Houston to visit her. When he came back, he was so impressed with her great career. She was so wonderful because of all she had accomplished. Not only that, she is an occupational therapist. He has had a problem for years with his feet and ankles. His ankle was hurting when he went down there. She took him in and did some kind of electric treatment and the pain disappeared. How could I compete with that? You would have to know him and his feet problems, but he would have fallen in love with Hitler if Hitler had made his feet feel better. Totally reminded me of the story of the lion and the mouse. She had never married, although she had been living with a man for 15 years. So, he got to have his cake and eat it, too. He got to have the family and then leave the family to have the career woman.
As I said, I was a full-time stay-at-home wife and mom. There were a few occasions during our 36+ years of marriage when I took part-time jobs. I believe if you added it all together it would total no more than two years. I never wanted a career and he never told me I needed to get out and get a job. I have no doubt that if I had wanted to go back to school or whatever, he would have supported me, but I didn't and he didn't push it. We were both very happy with me staying home. He made a good living, but with five kids money could get tight. We did fight about money sometimes. But we were never broke and we never went without. But, from time to time, he would accuse me of only caring about money. I am a bit of a gadget junkie, but I am far from high maintenance. I don't wear designer labels or splurge regularly. In fact, one time while we were living in Chicago, we went to Nordstrom's for him to buy some shoes. He needed some ties so he picked out two ties. He didn't flinch when he found out they were $200 each. I have never spent $200 on any one item of clothing for myself. In fact, the only thing I ever bought that cost more than $200 was our daughter's wedding dress, and it was on sale for $350.
Anyway, I have a feeling that now he is pretty much a kept man. I was pretty sure that he was going to get a job when they moved to Georgia and I think he tried. One of his former students runs a lab there, but for some reason R is not working there, yet. But M did get licensed in Georgia and she wouldn't do that unless she was going to work there. R's only income is his half of the retirement from his 25 years of teaching. I am receiving half of that as well. When he retired, we moved to Arkansas and bought our "dream house". The only thing that would have made it better would have been if it was on the lake. Anyway, it was brand-new, 2400 square feet, a beautiful open kitchen, hardwood floors, jacuzzi tub in the large master bathroom, two walk in closets in the master bedroom. I loved that house. We had to sell it in the divorce.
When we went to mediation, R said that he pays $650 a month in rent. The way he said it it was unclear whether he was paying half of $650 or if $650 was his half. So, I looked at real estate ads for the town where they live and you could get a 3400 square foot house for $1200 a month. So, I figured he must be paying half of $650 because why would they need a 3400 square foot house? Then I looked at the place where they are living on Google Earth and, believe me, it is at least 3400. It is huge on a huge lot. It makes our "dream home" look like a shack. Well, maybe not that bad, but it is much more house. I would assume that M is receiving retirement also and is probably working and making a very good living as an occupational therapist with a specialty in hand therapy with 30+ years of experience.
In the meantime, I am living in about 1500 square feet in a rent house that is in pretty bad shape. I am also supporting our 23-year-old son who is on disability for schizophrenia. E is working very hard to get on his feet. He is in school and I am paying for that, too. I am dedicated to getting him through school and on his own. He asked his father to help him pay for school and the response was "Money's tight". That may well be the funniest thing he ever said. Let me add that as part of the divorce settlement, money from the sale of the house and some stocks was used to pay off all our debts, so both of us are starting out debt free except he is still making car payments. I lost the health insurance that we were receiving through his retirement plan so I've had to get that on my own. (I just turned 60 last week and one of the first "greetings" I received was from Blue Cross informing me that my premiums would be going up $63 a month). E and I have been talking about getting him a car. I told him I could probably kick in $5000. He said his dad told him he might be able to come up with $500.
Anyway, in reading their emails I learned some very interesting things that I didn't know before. One was that he used to leave from visiting me and stop and see her on his way back to school. Another was that she harbored resentments toward me (for almost four decades) about the way I supposedly treated her.
Now, let me explain. As I said she was no longer living in the same dorm with me, but several of her friends were. Her friends treated me like dirt. Never once in that whole time did I think M put them up to it. (Now I'm not sure) In fact, I always thought, and I remember telling my mother this, that she was happy that R had found someone who could make him happy.
Another thing I found out was that one of the main reasons they broke up was that she wanted a career and he wanted a family. The first thing his roommate said to me when I met him was "You know he wants twelve kids." So, he met me and I wanted a home and family. We were very compatible. We both wanted the same kinds of things out of life. No matter what he says now, we were very much in love when we got married.
Fast forward again to April 2008 and he went to Houston to visit her. When he came back, he was so impressed with her great career. She was so wonderful because of all she had accomplished. Not only that, she is an occupational therapist. He has had a problem for years with his feet and ankles. His ankle was hurting when he went down there. She took him in and did some kind of electric treatment and the pain disappeared. How could I compete with that? You would have to know him and his feet problems, but he would have fallen in love with Hitler if Hitler had made his feet feel better. Totally reminded me of the story of the lion and the mouse. She had never married, although she had been living with a man for 15 years. So, he got to have his cake and eat it, too. He got to have the family and then leave the family to have the career woman.
As I said, I was a full-time stay-at-home wife and mom. There were a few occasions during our 36+ years of marriage when I took part-time jobs. I believe if you added it all together it would total no more than two years. I never wanted a career and he never told me I needed to get out and get a job. I have no doubt that if I had wanted to go back to school or whatever, he would have supported me, but I didn't and he didn't push it. We were both very happy with me staying home. He made a good living, but with five kids money could get tight. We did fight about money sometimes. But we were never broke and we never went without. But, from time to time, he would accuse me of only caring about money. I am a bit of a gadget junkie, but I am far from high maintenance. I don't wear designer labels or splurge regularly. In fact, one time while we were living in Chicago, we went to Nordstrom's for him to buy some shoes. He needed some ties so he picked out two ties. He didn't flinch when he found out they were $200 each. I have never spent $200 on any one item of clothing for myself. In fact, the only thing I ever bought that cost more than $200 was our daughter's wedding dress, and it was on sale for $350.
Anyway, I have a feeling that now he is pretty much a kept man. I was pretty sure that he was going to get a job when they moved to Georgia and I think he tried. One of his former students runs a lab there, but for some reason R is not working there, yet. But M did get licensed in Georgia and she wouldn't do that unless she was going to work there. R's only income is his half of the retirement from his 25 years of teaching. I am receiving half of that as well. When he retired, we moved to Arkansas and bought our "dream house". The only thing that would have made it better would have been if it was on the lake. Anyway, it was brand-new, 2400 square feet, a beautiful open kitchen, hardwood floors, jacuzzi tub in the large master bathroom, two walk in closets in the master bedroom. I loved that house. We had to sell it in the divorce.
When we went to mediation, R said that he pays $650 a month in rent. The way he said it it was unclear whether he was paying half of $650 or if $650 was his half. So, I looked at real estate ads for the town where they live and you could get a 3400 square foot house for $1200 a month. So, I figured he must be paying half of $650 because why would they need a 3400 square foot house? Then I looked at the place where they are living on Google Earth and, believe me, it is at least 3400. It is huge on a huge lot. It makes our "dream home" look like a shack. Well, maybe not that bad, but it is much more house. I would assume that M is receiving retirement also and is probably working and making a very good living as an occupational therapist with a specialty in hand therapy with 30+ years of experience.
In the meantime, I am living in about 1500 square feet in a rent house that is in pretty bad shape. I am also supporting our 23-year-old son who is on disability for schizophrenia. E is working very hard to get on his feet. He is in school and I am paying for that, too. I am dedicated to getting him through school and on his own. He asked his father to help him pay for school and the response was "Money's tight". That may well be the funniest thing he ever said. Let me add that as part of the divorce settlement, money from the sale of the house and some stocks was used to pay off all our debts, so both of us are starting out debt free except he is still making car payments. I lost the health insurance that we were receiving through his retirement plan so I've had to get that on my own. (I just turned 60 last week and one of the first "greetings" I received was from Blue Cross informing me that my premiums would be going up $63 a month). E and I have been talking about getting him a car. I told him I could probably kick in $5000. He said his dad told him he might be able to come up with $500.
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